Strange Times

I would like to be able to say life gets easier everyday but it doesn't. I know that every morning I wake up I am going to have to go to work and do more work each day and then when I get home it is crazy. Laundry, kids, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills. I know that every morning I have to get up and "put my big girl pants on", but there are alot of people out there that just don't get that. I guess having to do it for the past 12 years by myself has made me realize that my life really isn't that bad. I just know that in the past I have made some bad decisions either in men or in outside choices. Somedays things seem easier but it is just "Smoke and mirrors." I guess the more people take care of things for you the more you rely on them to continue. If you don't know how to react to things then that is when you get in trouble. I have had friends in the past that run from their problems or at least don't deal with things. Either they just tell you an excuse or they run like little kids and hide. Come on people put on your "Big Girl/Boy Pants" and Deal with things like adults. The more that you don't deal with things the worse it will be for in the future. And you never will deal with anything in your life. I understand that there are things that you need to take time to move forward from but things in your life will never change as long as you are hiding from things in your past. The more I deal with people the more I find this is happening to people over and over again. They come to a point and then they freeze or run. Well if you continue to run someday it will catch you and you will have to deal with things one way or another. I am dealing with my past and learning that the things I did are coming back to haunt me and I am having to take them on head first and if this makes me uncomfortable I just have to remember that this is a temporary situation and that once I deal with it I will feel better not only about myself but also about the situation and my life. In the past 5 weeks I have been suffering from panic attacks and not being able to sleep or eat or just about anything else for that fact. I guess I was hoping it was because I was feeling something but in fact it was because of the fact that in the past I did/said something that made me want to stick my foot in my mouth. I guess being reminded of that made me want to just curl up in a ball. I was making myself sick and wanting to make myself disappear but of course you can't do that. I wanted to make things different but I didn't get that chance I couldn't even apoligize for what was said. That is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I guess when we get older we realize things in the past are just that in the past. I just have to remember that I need to take things one day at a time. I don't know if I am more upset because I couldn't apoligize or if it because I wanted to make people understand that what I have done in the past is stupid. But I now know that I am a different person and I have done alot of growing up. I guess other people need to realize that the more you live in the past the more you are left behind by those people who truely care about you and those around you. I guess the best advice I can give is don't run face things head on if you are having strange feelings it is because you have unfinished business and you need to handle each situation differently. Each person you come in contact with is not the same person you just talked to 5 minutes before. Give each person a chance to be the person you think they can be. But don't cut them out of your life because you are scared.