Why Hide Things or Not Be Totally Honest?

PERSONAL RANT- DON'T READ IF YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW ME THAT WELL PLEASE!
I HAD A VERY BAD WEEK!

I don't know how many times people think they can get away with not telling you how they truly feel or what they need to say. I mean why not just be up front and say hey this is the thing. No instead they think they can not "hurt" you or can deflect things to make themselves look like they are the ones with the problems. You know the old stand by - "It's not you, it's me." Oh come off it. We see through that. Grow up and realize people know what you are saying. Or is it that you are afraid of getting hurt. Oh well that would not be my problem that is yours. I guess as I have realized in my life people are not there to help you as much as you may think. They are there to get what they want and/or need at the time. They really could care less how it may affect you or how it may make you feel. So instead they say things that they think will help you through it. Such as "we will always be friends." WHATEVER! See I can move on with out you "lying" to me and I am able to be a big girl and keep myself in check. But don't turn around later and say hey did I do something to upset you. Because we all know you really don't want the answer to that question.

Why does it have to hit home?

There are so many things I can say about what I heard during the service on Sunday to make me realize that the things I go through every week is something God has put on me so I listen and not take anything for granted. I have every reason to have bitterness and anger against those who tell me they love me. And every week I have to remind myself I am not the only one in this position. There are others who have worse things happening to them and around them. But I still want to be mad but that is not what God has in mind for us. The more we allow bitterness and anger to take hold in our lives the further we are away from God. I am the first to admit the anger and resentment I have come from the failed marriages and the failed pregnancies. But God keeps reminding me that others have the same things that have happened to them. I have to look around and say I have 2 wonderful children and I have to give Him thanks for this. The more I think that I have things together and that I can mask how the pain of the past is what is making the future so hard the more it falls apart.
I must remember what I heard during the lessons in church. Bitterness and Anger only make things worse. The more foothold we give them the harder it is to get rid of them. I have been angry a long time from having a child stolen from me because of the anger of a man who thought it would be better to harm me, from having a man break into my home and attempt to rape me, to having a painful divorce where pain is the only thing he wanted to cause. I must remember very key verses in my way back from bitterness and anger. Here is just a little taste of what I try to remember on a daily basis. Although it is hard to remember these things I must do my best. I must be the bigger person and the one to know that I am not the one to pass judgement and I must let God work in his own way. All in due time God will reveal himself.

Ephesians 4:31-32
31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Mark 11:25
25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Ephesians 4:26
26"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry

Colossians 3:13
13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Hebrews 12:15
15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

Acts 8:22-23
22Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. 23For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin."

Proverbs 10:12
12 Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

Job 5:2
2 Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Mysterious Workings

I am finding there are many things in life I cannot control. As much as I would like to control all aspects of my life I am unable to do this. It is not like me to give up control but I am learning that I must let go and let God. By giving God the control He has given me the ability to be a peace with my decisions as well as with those around me. We all ask Why, and there are so many reasons why and how. But if you don't know why you still feel the need to ask. More and more people must be willing to stop asking why good things happen to bad people and why bad things happen to good people. God calls us to look beyond ourselves. What you may see as a bad person God may see something different or may be able to see beyond what we see. There are mysterious workings we do not understand and never will. Over the past 4 weeks our pastor has given us the "Why?" series and I have never been more understanding and more able to look past what others see to try and see what God sees and what God is intending to do. Those of us who may not understand need to step back and think this is God's will and we cannot judge nor is it for us to decide how or what happens. We all ask questions and want answers. We may receive the answers but they may not be what we want them to be or how we want to hear them. If you were to ask yourself am I a good person most of us would say yes. Well we may think we are good people but if you have ever lied, stole, or thought ill will to those around us you are no better than those people you think are "bad people." Just remember God put us here for a reason and he will allow things to happen to us that we may not understand but that someday we will look back at and think things happen for a reason. All of us have those moments at some point. You may not understand right now but listen to God and he will guide you and show you. God does love you with the love like no one else even if you are a "bad" person or you question what is happening in your life right now or in the past. God works in mysterious ways all around us. Just open yourself up and you will find the pleasure and the peace you are looking for.

Dakota's Comedy Tour

My son said something that was so funny. I was laying in bed thinking that I hope we all get some sleep tonight. The kids were so hyper and all I could hope was they would go to sleep since I have to work. So as I am laying in my bedroom thinking about sleep and of course the news comes on and they are talking about closing Starbucks, THIS IS WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS. I am hoping they are not closing the one closest to my job. My fingers and toes are crossed as they are reading the list. And thankfully they forgot to name mine. YEAH!!!!!! So I roll over and my son was standing in the door asking to come and climb in bed so he could sleep, bad dream, of course I said yes. So he asked me why I was so happy so I explained why. His exact comment was - "All I heard was "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Shelly and I are so excited, blah, blah, blah."" Followed by lots of giggling of course. And then that just means I am not getting any sleep for the night because he wants to start "Dakota's Comedy Tour." Last show starts around 12 am. Yeah! So as I drift off to sleep I hear little giggles and the comment I just crack myself up. I then get a shake with a "Hey Mommy did you hear that one." So my first stop this morning on my way to work happened to be Starbucks and all I can do is laugh to myself as I am standing in line of the Starbucks faithful thinking if only everyone had kids like mine they would understand why Starbucks closing stores is wrong.

So tonight we will be having another tour date for "Dakota's Comedy Tour." I will be serving pizza, salads, cheesecake, cookies, pepsi, sprite, and maybe ice cream and rootbeer. Tickets are available to those who really want to come. Please be aware you may get a show where he is falling asleep or where is he just jumping around. He will also entertain you with his singing ability and most of all he will give you hugs and kisses and tell you he is so happy you could make it. Which makes it an almost impossible ticket to get because I try and buy all of them I can.

My Little Angels

I don't give my kids enough credit for the things they do. So today I decided to praise my kids. I start with my daughter first, Courtney, she has done a great job in school and in sports. She is playing soccer and played softball and won a championship for their team. She also has been on Honor Roll for the past 7 grading periods. GREAT JOB COURTNEY!! I am so proud of you.

Now to praise my son, Dakota, he has been a great help around the house and helping to take care of things without being asked. He has his own dog and he is doing a wonderful job with her. He takes her out, feeds her, and even will help me give her a bath. He also went to Pre-K in June at the Elementary School he is supposed to be going to this fall and did a great job. GREAT JOB DAKOTA!! I am so proud of you.

These are things we should be proud of as parents and need to make sure that they know how proud we are of them on a daily basis. My kids are so very important to me and I would not be the person I am today without having them in it my life. My prospective has changed completely and I have found things that were important to me before I had them are not as important as it seemed before. I have found that I have a different thought process and I have found that leading a God filled life.

WHY?

I know there are times when I question myself. I guess the older I get the more I feel this way. I also know that God has a plan and I must allow that plan to work. I just wish I knew what it was. I guess that sometimes you must just trust and believe. This is the hardest part of the plan. After yesterday's sermon at church I had the feeling things were going to work out and I felt at peace but when I woke this morning I just felt totally destroyed. Today and tomorrow are going to be the hardest part of this week. I just wish this week we could skip. As I sit here at my desk and cry and wish that it was 2 years ago and I could just change the actions of those around me and make things different and let the pain go. I hope that those around me can understand and give the hugs that are needed. I pray for those who have been hurt and cry for those who do not understand. I will never be able to replace the one person they want to see and hug the most. I just hope as a mother I will be able to give them enough hugs to make it a little better. I will have to take a line from Jeremy Camp's song and truely Walk By Faith.

What a day

Now how many times can you go to work and get threats of people coming in to kill you and to kick your butt? Well I have now gotten them 2 times in the past 2 weeks. I love my job but there are days when you have to ask yourself is this really worth it? I guess I just worry that something will happen even though I know that it won't or at least I hope it won't happen.
I guess dealing with people and not knowing what they are capable of is a scary part of my job but that is just how it goes sometimes.
Who knew a great job with come with such perks. I get to dress in jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes everyday. But it also comes equipped with crazy spouses of the guys who work here or at least used to work here. I guess in life we are always learning new things. Ways to not have someone come in here and kill me is a new one that I never thought I would have to use on my job. But hey I love my job. I just have to remember to say that at least 10 times a day.

Thought Process

Talk about blasts from the past. You never know who you may run into when you are just looking for people you work with and your friends. I am just wondering how it happens that those around you change but those who you had what some consider a very short conversation stay with you or at least in your mind forever.
Though I may not be able to change my actions or my words from 14 years ago I can say I don't feel the same. For those who don't know what I am talking about that is ok, for those who do I am sorry. Not everything stays the same. We grow up and learn that what we wanted when we were younger and what we thought would make us happy then doesn't seem to be the perfect plan today.
Maybe someday down the road I will be able to let those around me then know how I truly feel about being scared. I am afraid to be that person whose words really don't match the actions they have taken. While I may have been that person my words now mean so much more now than they did then. I love my friends who have stuck by me and there are not that many who have and I will pray for those who don't understand my change of heart and realize that as the changed person I have become in the past 8 years that I to have fallen short but that falling short is the best way to be at times. It helps us learn and become those who will understand that not everyone is perfect. I know another rambling post. But I do have a point I miss my old friends, look to make new friends, and want to be able to find and apologize to those I may have hurt.
I am so very sorry and hope that you can all forgive me and know that I am a different person now.

Strange Times

I would like to be able to say life gets easier everyday but it doesn't. I know that every morning I wake up I am going to have to go to work and do more work each day and then when I get home it is crazy. Laundry, kids, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills. I know that every morning I have to get up and "put my big girl pants on", but there are alot of people out there that just don't get that. I guess having to do it for the past 12 years by myself has made me realize that my life really isn't that bad. I just know that in the past I have made some bad decisions either in men or in outside choices. Somedays things seem easier but it is just "Smoke and mirrors." I guess the more people take care of things for you the more you rely on them to continue. If you don't know how to react to things then that is when you get in trouble. I have had friends in the past that run from their problems or at least don't deal with things. Either they just tell you an excuse or they run like little kids and hide. Come on people put on your "Big Girl/Boy Pants" and Deal with things like adults. The more that you don't deal with things the worse it will be for in the future. And you never will deal with anything in your life. I understand that there are things that you need to take time to move forward from but things in your life will never change as long as you are hiding from things in your past. The more I deal with people the more I find this is happening to people over and over again. They come to a point and then they freeze or run. Well if you continue to run someday it will catch you and you will have to deal with things one way or another. I am dealing with my past and learning that the things I did are coming back to haunt me and I am having to take them on head first and if this makes me uncomfortable I just have to remember that this is a temporary situation and that once I deal with it I will feel better not only about myself but also about the situation and my life. In the past 5 weeks I have been suffering from panic attacks and not being able to sleep or eat or just about anything else for that fact. I guess I was hoping it was because I was feeling something but in fact it was because of the fact that in the past I did/said something that made me want to stick my foot in my mouth. I guess being reminded of that made me want to just curl up in a ball. I was making myself sick and wanting to make myself disappear but of course you can't do that. I wanted to make things different but I didn't get that chance I couldn't even apoligize for what was said. That is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I guess when we get older we realize things in the past are just that in the past. I just have to remember that I need to take things one day at a time. I don't know if I am more upset because I couldn't apoligize or if it because I wanted to make people understand that what I have done in the past is stupid. But I now know that I am a different person and I have done alot of growing up. I guess other people need to realize that the more you live in the past the more you are left behind by those people who truely care about you and those around you. I guess the best advice I can give is don't run face things head on if you are having strange feelings it is because you have unfinished business and you need to handle each situation differently. Each person you come in contact with is not the same person you just talked to 5 minutes before. Give each person a chance to be the person you think they can be. But don't cut them out of your life because you are scared.